My New Girl spec script has reached completion.

 

Congratulations, fellow artists and liberals! We are Very Smart!

Congratulations, fellow artists, writers, and actors of Los Angeles. Well done, college graduates and upper-middle-class professionals and their children. We did it! Let’s give ourselves a big pat on the back.

No, our preferred candidate didn’t win. She lost to a maniac with no political experience. But that’s not what’s important. The important thing is that this election has firmly and finally proved what most of us knew all along: that we are Very Smart. If there is any historical lesson to be learned from all this, it is how stupid everyone else is.

I Am Luncheon: an extremely stupid short story.

I Am Luncheon
by Angus McNair

Dr. Ken Troglodyte was a small, egg-shaped man with a mustache like the bristles of a Scotch pine who lived and worked in a small medical laboratory off the coast of Peoria, Illinois. His only goal was – and had been for three years – to find a cure for the novel coronavirus that had first appeared in and around Wuhan, China in late 2019 and shortly thereafter spread around the earth. As hopes for a vaccine had fallen through, and social distancing measures had proved necessary but not sufficient, Dr. Troglodyte increasingly believed that his research was the world’s only hope.

Unfortunately for the world, Dr. Ken Troglodyte was extremely stupid.

Sandwich-making superPACs.

You can make a sandwich out of pretty much anything. Once I used hollowed-out Furby™ and filled the insides with spiders and Gorilla Glue, with a dash of sriracha sauce for flavor. Two hours later I went to the hospital but it wasn’t because of anything poisonous, my bioelectricity just turned the Furby™ on within my body and it started dancing and singing and actually laid a nest of Furby™ eggs in my lower intestine. Because of the cost of the removal surgery, my children will not attend college.

Here are some sandwich-related superPACs.

AN OPEN LETTER TO AMERICA’S #BRANDS

Dear #Brands,

We live in an era when politics, pop culture, and marketing are inseparable. Television sitcoms are criticized for their failure to include minority groups, or lauded for elevating conversations about race and gender. Product placement is a six billion-dollar industry. Pundits urge us to boycott items that are produced by companies that oppose their agenda, or to run out and buy those that share our values. Chick Fil-A is evil! Kellogg’s is part of the #resistance! We understand your confusion; these are confusing times.

Which brings us to Pepsi, the poor unfortunate #brand that, in its now-reviled “Live for Now Moments” faux-protest commercial, made a fatal mistake. The problem wasn’t that it commented on a political issue: we live in a capitalist system, so private enterprise, rather than the government, can and should produce propaganda. But we expect more from our ads than a sales pitch – we demand moral uplift. Pepsi’s real mistake was not going far enough: we asked it if a divided America could be sewn back together, and it responded by presenting a ridiculous, conflict-free world that had no relation to our own.

In hopes of helping #brands avoid this #error, the writer of this letter has compiled a list of ideas commercials commenting on salient political and social issues. Please accept them, free of charge, from me to you.

7 members of Donald Trump’s transition team who Just Can’t Even

1. Domestic issues point man Ken Blackwell, who once said, “Donald Trump is an existential threat to conservatism,” just cannot this morning!

Faith in Humanity Ltd.: a short story.

This is a short story that the author of this blog wrote in 2014. It is entirely fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental, except the part where the boss is described as wearing a turtleneck and round glasses, you can kind of tell he’s supposed to be a satire of Jobs, and kind of a heavyhanded one too. Also, Douglas is based on this guy I knew. And the whole thing is pretty derivative of  George Saunders, really, but what are you going to do.

When I originally wrote this story the P.R. company was called Hogwarts, and I thought I could do that because it’s not like Hogwarts is going to sue me, but my lawyers tell me that’s a no-no. So. Here’s:

The reasons why Eddie Lacy lost his starting job last week.

Lacy accepting his Offensive Rookie of the Year award.

The author of this blog is no expert on the Green Bay Packers or professional football generally, but he does have a part-time job as a stocker at the sperm bank where Brian Bulaga occasionally donates. As such, he has considerable insight into the NFL and has been called multiple times “the Bill Belichick of semen” whatever that means.

After running back Eddie Lacy lost his starting job due to “breaking curfew,” I asked Bulaga whether this was the whole story. Bulaga, though distracted, confirmed that Lacy has been a thorn in this organization’s side since the very beginning. Listed here are his top seven offenses.

The best albums of 2015.

Since time immemorial, man has looked to music critics to answer the great questions. Is it okay to like Ke$ha? What are some facts about Kurt Vile that we can shout loudly during an unrelated conversation? Does Arcade Fire capture the nostalgic zeitgeist of the early 21th century and, if not, what’s their whole fucking deal?

That’s why I have taken it upon myself to rank the albums of 2015. These ranks are objective and fixed, and they also represent the only albums that were released this year. Any other albums you can think of are purely figments of our collective cultural imagination and do not really exist. Except Wilder Mind, which does exist and is just bad.

Warning signs that Dad may be thinking about opening a small brewpub with his buddy Clint.

Clint.

Mom says Dad’s been spending a lot of time outside the house lately. When you were home for Christmas, he “went bowling” with Clint three consecutive nights. Worse, Dad spent his entire thousand-dollar end-of-the-year bonus from the law firm on brewing equipment.

There’s no reason to panic. There are plenty of perfectly harmless reasons Dad might be out at night, and maybe the new wort chiller will be forgotten once it’s warm enough to kayak again. Nonetheless, it’s best to stay aware and prepare for a worst-case scenario. Here are some telltale signs that Dad could be thinking about opening a small brewpub with his buddy Clint: